I feel kinda of hopeless now..
only at times like this i will start to blog..
cause i want to do every single possible thing besides studying..

2101 and 2102 coming up in less than 3 and 4 days.. i'm dead meat now.. cause i'm quite sure i wun be able to finish studying because i didn't study a bit during the weekends and instead wasted my time watching tv and playing games.

hols is coming in less than 5 days.. *yeah* and i have to move back to my dreaded home.. but heng i will be getting some help to clean up my house! yeah! and i secretly bought a new bed for mum and dad.. cause the old bed is not doing them good and dad complaint about back pain the other time he was back in sg.. dad's coming back on the 6th! i'm sure he will be happy to see our house CLEAN~~ =D

sidetrack a bit..
things appears to be good with him.. but deep inside i dun think we'll be able to withstand this long vacation.. with his absence for 1 month.. maybe i would have forgotten about him by the time he is back.. seriously.. i dun think i would mind if i can forget about him.. haha.. forget how he takes me for granted now that i'm back by his side.. forget about how i take him for granted cause of my plain laziness.. forget about how he never seem to keep his promises.. forget about how he always forgets the things i mentioned to him.. forget why nowadays i feel so empty, lonely and neglected. forget about him..

i need a long vacation from studying.. but i still haven decided on the special term modules... i need a long vacation from working.. but that's not possible cause i need money!! i need a long vacation from him.. but somehow i grow to be very attached to him and i can't seem to break free from this bond.. i need a long vacation from life.. so i can just float around in space.. haha.. and think of nothing for the whole day.. and everyday..

Upset about my first paper yesterday..
more upset about my cell bio paper tml..

i just HATE exams.. but i hate doing projects too.. maybe i just hate studying.. (but i dun leh...)

anyways.. it sucks for stats cause the lecturer decided to change to bell curve grading during the LAST lecture where there's only damn 20 students in the class.. means only the top 4 will get A related grades.. the rest will all get something like B or B+.. its SUPER off to bell curve 20 ppl lah!! now i'm getting paranoid because i didn't went for the last 2 tutorials and did not hand in my 5% assignment.. neither did i had wonderful grades for my 25% CA and for the 50% final exam yesterday everyone's answers were about the same (so now it depends on the CA results i guess).. and half the paper was on theory which i suck at cause i skipped all the lectures after midsem.. what could be worse.. he LIFTED one of the exam qns from the TEXTBOOK!! *faint* some kind of lecturer......

and i can't finish studying for my 1pm cell bio papers tml.. (not cause i have no time.. but because i dun feel like it.. especially when my CA results is only the 25th percentile..)

DIE....

and surprisingly... i'm quite a genius.. so why am i struggling so hard at cell bio!?
faint.. (coped from linda's bloggie..)



back to mugging.

Its funny what exams can do to us..
exam period is often the period where we have not enough time for every single thing in the world.. yet i always seem to have time for computer games where i will be stationed right in front of the comp and just kept playing away..

i have tonnes of stuff to study yet i can't seem to make myself do that.. hai.. what to do sia.. plus my CA are not wonderful results.. i might just get a terrible average this sem and that's it.. i wun be able to do my honors.. somebody HELPppppp...

We went to watch phantom of the opera yesterday.. i have only a word for it..

EXCELLENT!!

i think its a great show.. having done small scaled production for 2 years now i'm soooo amazed at their sets and how miraculous their sets change, especially the river scene with all the candles.. it was a pity cause we sat too far from the stage and had to use a binoculars to see the stage and the faces clearly.

it was so good that it cleared up my soggy mood immediately!

but today was a disaster.. i was so gross out when the bird shit fall on my FACE when i was walking to eusoff for lunch was max.. and our mr max just laugh at me mercilessly.. =(

and i couldn't go sing KTV with bc tml cause i have to buck up and finish studying for the upcoming exams..

I've got a new hair cut on sunday! and i highlighted my hair RED.. hehe.. its been a while since i dyed my hair (about 2 years!) and i love my new hair colour.. but i wun say that bout the hair styles.. its just acceptable.. but it makes me look like a different person.. but the best thing is that mummy paid for all my expenses!! =D

Exit: the world outside fairyland.

warning: blogpost is random and might not make any sense.

will i be able to do it.. i silently ask myself.. will i be able to stop living in my own world and face the real world. frankly, i'm scared. i'm scared of leaving my own dreamyland.. but i guess i have to do it now so that i will stop depressing.. its when you really found that you've lost everything you once had den you start to realise how important they were to you..

bc says that its when love fades den you realise how everything else besides your lover are impt to you.. its actually because you're over dependent on someone and when he wouldn't be there for you anymore, you will eventually snap out of it.

i love my dreamland. but recently.. i've begin to hate it. my style of life irritates even myself. how can i live like this i tot many times. that someone which i depends on all the time. that someone that i hurt all the time.. does he even exist outside the dreamland?

this is gonna be hard.. how can i step out without losing something. maybe i will lose him.. because that always happened when i tried to step out of my dreamland as he exist only in my dreamland.. and if i dun need my dreamland.. i dun need him..

it was weird hating myself. i've never once hate myself so much. i hate it when i'm in this kind of weakling state.. so pathetically hoping to get strength and help from ppl around.. trying so hard to be independent but actually totally not at all and getting hurt over having nothing to lean on. crying my eyes swollen every now and den without thinking. what exactly is wrong with me??

i dun even remember ever being like this.. what made me become this way.. dun even have the strength or energy to pick myself up from this mess and open that gate to the outside of my dreamland.. so shall i stay here or shall i challenge myself and get out..?

is it really good to leave him for good? for my own good? cause i can't leave him for a day now.. it drives me nuts.. and i wun have my meals properly without him.. because i only eat with him.. i totally dun understand myself.. why dun i make more friends.. why dun i eat with someone else.. i constantly tries to forget the fact that he's no longer going to be in hall with me since this may.. why am i living in self denial?

i've become distrustful of myself recently.. i dun really believe that i will be able to keep him in my heart if i want to.. and even with him in it.. i can give my heart to anyone.. and that when he said he's going to china for 1 month.. i'm scared.. why am i scared? i felt terrible.. like he is not going to come back or he wun be there for me anymore.. and that i wun be able to keep my heart with me.. i'm upset.. why aren't you worried.. why dun you want to guard me.. why it is that nobody wants to protect me? i'm no child.. i will be 21 in no time.. but will i be able to overcome all this by myself.. will i really grow up and be mature.. will i???
i really want to escape.. to some other places.. and build maybe another fairyland.. i had an ridiculous thought.. i felt like challenging myself.. will i be able to do that? will i not phone him or answer his calls.. will i not talk to him on MSN.. will i not miss him.. and forget him in the 1 month he has given to me..?

why can't i grow up. even if i were to act grown up.. i had not grow any more matured than i was before. i want to grow up too isn't it.. if only i can stop this disgusting weakling's feelings in me..

why can't i just lose all my memories for the past 2 years. if i can i think i will be stronger.

i'm sick of living.